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~*~Nikki~*~

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Post breakdown [23 Apr 2015|01:00am]

So obviously i snapped. The PPD finally got to me. With all of the busyness of the holidays and my own life as basically a single parent i just snapped. Bared my soul to my husband and asked him to quit his job. He did and he helped me thru my darkness. Soon after i started picking up the peices and get my life somewhat working. It is still a day by day situation but my mind is clearer and im keeping myself busy without it being overwhelming. I take time when i can to myself. It isnt often but im trying to surround myself with positive things and people.

Currently i have made it a mission to find the things i dont like about my life. After much soul searching i found it boils down to this shit whole of a town. I want freedom for my family to grow. i need distance from my in laws not only because i dont need parental input on every detail of my life but mostly because its hard to be myself when i really want them to like me. Also i want to exercise and run and let my boys play outside and in this ghetto it isnt safe enough for me to feel confortable by myself. So basically. I want to move. That is my mission. To baby-step my way into a home. Meeting with the bank tomorrow. Step number one.

♥ Love Me Not.♥

Cant explain it [10 Feb 2015|09:40pm]

I cant explain why but ive been in the worst place. Its hard to get out of bed and take care of the kids. I feel useless. Like whatever i do no one will notice. im tired of fighting with the hospital and making no progress. Im tired fighting my toddler to listen to me. Im tired of not being able to calm my baby. Im tired of fighting for my husband to listen to me instead of making me feel like im crazy and none of this is happening. I have to fight to survive and im running out of steam. I think about death a lot. What things would be like. If someone would notice then. Let me get one thing straight i would NEVER do it. I look into my babies faces and know they need me. And not a failure as long as they are still with me. I wouldnt want them being raised without me. I am responsible for these lives. But sometime i think if it was a car accident or cancer it would be an easy out. People dont tell you that when u become a SAHM you become a doormat for everyone else. Everyone assumes you have it easy. No one tells you that you lose yourself. You lose your body. The way you dress. Cause that wardrobe u had doesnt fit and you dont have the money to get anything new with out someone making you feel guilty. Usually that someone is yourself. You dont have time or energy to wear make up or do your hair. by time the kids are dressed no one has the patience to wait for another hour while you het ready. Or you are so exhausted thatnothing seems worth it. Its not just physically though. Thats what they dont tell you. They say motherhood is a beautiful gift and yadda yadda yadda. They dont tell you that everything that you liked, you dont have time for or when you do you have a toddler sticking their hand into your scissors or fighting with the infant so you have to stop every 5 min.
So i started researching things to help with depression. Take a walk. Everytime i try i get Z running into the street or tgrowing a temper tantrum. Or falling. Or V crying at the top of his lungs for idk what reason. That enjoyable walk i used to take? Its an anxiety driven chore know to go get my bills i have no money for
Get a routine. 2 different babies with constantly changing sleeping and eating schedules. All thrown into an always changing work schedule of the hubby who needs to be driven to and from work that he hates. To make money that is never enough. Literally everytime i spend ANYTHING and im talking bills a groceries he gives me *that* sigh. Like how dare i! Then when i ask about his day he tells me everything he hates. And when i go to tell him about my day he stares at fb or waits impatiently to tell another story that has nothing to do with what we are talking about. My day, the one filled with HIS children and HIS house, is unimportant. 
Get enough sleep. V goes to bed at 9. Z usually 10 or 11 hubby gets home around 11 most nights.that gives us an hour maybe 2 to talk and watch a show or have sex. The one thing i cant complain about ;) although im still a lil self concious he still makes me feel beautiful. After everything its 1/1:30. V wakes up for a bottle at 4 and then we take D to work at 7. I used to sleep a solid 9+ hrs. Im down to 6. Usually interrupted by feedings night.ares or seizures. For the past year. Im a zombie of myself.
Eat healthy. Probably the one that can be boiled down to laziness. I dont have the time or energy or will to cook a meal (which is usually done with a crying baby in my arm) only for it to be thrown by a crying Z who refuses to eat. Then put in the fridge to be reheated later when D gets home. Or just goes to waste unless i eat it for lunch for the next 3 days.
Find someone to talk to. Every family member would probably listen... then judge... or it becomes gossip. D tells me im wrong to feel this way or just keeps asking "whats wrong whats wrong". Idk. If i knew. I could do something. Then saw a group therapy for post partum... back in sept. Im so scared and embarassed. For all those people to see me walk in there. Let alone coming up with a lie for someone to watch the kids. I found a hotline and was thinking about seeing a dr. But what if i am just being crazy and no one takes me seriously. But what i am REALLY  worried about... what if they take my kids... what if they think im a bad mother... what if this haunts me in the future. If D decides to leave me he could throw this in court and take my babies. I trust he will stay for me through thick and thin... but what if the dr decides im not fit. Ive worked very hard for my boys. I CANT lose them.
Get a journal.
Write it down.
Which im doing.
And when i read it i feel nothing but guilt.
No one tells you this part about being a mother.

♥ Love Me Not.♥

[05 Jan 2015|01:01am]

Relationship turned from "rant... how do we fix it" to: "rant...  "okay""

Okay.
Okay?
Go fuck yourself. If this is marriage i should have just gotten a sperm donor.

... i dont even have words to explain how embarrassing my relationship is.

♥ Love Me Not.♥

And it goes no where.... [18 Nov 2014|11:23pm]

... it happens every time "lets talk ablut this" turns into "go ahead and rant. .. now how do we fix it" cause i have all the answers. I signed up for 2 kids honey, not 3. Lets have a convo and work something out instead of "what do we do now?" Im sure now he thinks everything is fine and ill drop it like i always do. And in 2 months we will have another rant session. Part of me knows i will drop it and another part of me thinks "i could burn this marriage license and no one would ever know" why should i be with a man who cant even make himself happy. All he is going to do is bring the rest of the family down. Am i responsible for happiness? Is that part of my wifely duties? Fuck that. Its not 1950... cause if it were he would be reponsible for the car/garage/yard instead of everything falling on me. Im pretty sure this motherfucker thought he was on easy street and i take care of everything n he goes to work and come home. Well like i said before we got married Fuck you it aint happening. I guess we will see if he makes an effort. If he doesnt... i guess that determines how i treat this marriage. If he doesnt make time for me i dont need to make time for him. compartmentalize my life. Stay together for the kids. Treat it like a business. Divorce when they graduate. And officially become my mother. Ugh... gag me with a spoon

♥ Love Me Not.♥

blackout [08 Nov 2014|11:10pm]

they are working on the the electric box in our neighborhood so i busted out all the candles. its actually peaceful. everyone is asleep not tv or noise and here i am surrounded by soft glowing candles. i should do this more often its relaxing. good end to this couch potatoe day

♥ Love Me Not.♥

some days are good days [05 Nov 2014|10:55pm]

its pretty ridiculous when your "good days" consist of finishing laundry organizing your kitchen and having your babies naps sync up. end with a nice beer and im a happy camper. when all your days are hectic and nerve racking. .. days like this give me a hope.

♥ Love Me Not.♥

back for now [29 Oct 2014|11:04pm]

Ive been debating starting journaling again. im just going to give it a shot... no compy so all of this is going to be done on my phone. excuse spelling grammar and whatever else cause i know this is basically for myself. to keep my mind straight.

update: found a great man i would say my soulmate but if i did i would vomit in my mouth. 2 kids. Z is now 2 and V is 6 months. just got married last weekend and yes he is their father. life is great on paper. i recently became a stay at home mom. its mind numbingly stressful and not at all what i thought it would be. but i love watching my boys grow and being there with them every step of the way.

my husband (whoa, i have a husband) has been struggling with seizures for the past 2 years. I have been trying to stay positive but after all the drs and apts and bills and stress.  we still find ourselves without answers. i myself have been fighting my owm demons in the ways of post partum depression.  i have yet to say it to anyone for fear of judgement.

my life is like anyone elses. ups downs and twists but i feel like at least here i have an outlet. thinking about starting another journal. something new. about me now and unlittered with the past. hm. maybe

♥ Love Me Not.♥

Work work work [11 Jul 2008|01:39am]
I just got off work, and i am packed full of coffee cause APPEARENTLY the starbucks in Murrieta is open 24-7... they should not have told me that. Bad idea, but yeah i closed tonight made 120... not to shabby for a thursday.So yeah, thats pretty much my life as of today, still havent talked to my mother in over a week. Im gonna go see my daddy tomorrow and party with Tiffany for her birthday. Shall be totally fun. Yeah, thats it.
4 ♥ Love Me ♥ Love Me Not.♥

Fill me in [05 Jul 2008|11:22pm]
I seemed to totally loose my LJ touch. A few questions:
How do i make my journal friends only?
Isnt there a way to keep myself logged in all the time?
I just hate logging in every time, its annoying
♥ Love Me Not.♥

Internet [04 Jul 2008|11:43am]
I fianlly have internet in my apartment, you shall never get rid of me livejournal. NEVER!
1 ♥ Love Me ♥ Love Me Not.♥

The Verdict [29 Apr 2008|12:59pm]
I went to court just for them to postphoned it... yet again. I fucking hate our judicial system, they can fucking suck it. So yeah, now i have to go back in june. Totally gay. I woke up super late and literally put on pants and a shirt and ran out of the house to be there on time, I was actually 15 min late, but they hadnt called my name till after I got there. I was a complete wreck on the way there. Plus i looked like a got hit by a bus with my lack of make up and my last nights hairdo. didnt even brush it. lol. So sad. But yeah.... I guess we shall see what happens in June, hopefully this shit will finally be over.
1 ♥ Love Me ♥ Love Me Not.♥

Court Tomorrow [29 Apr 2008|02:05am]
[ mood | blah ]

So pretty much, the only reason I come back to Redlands anymore is to:
Spend an hour with my, (usually drunk) father
Spend time with my IMPORTANT friends. The rest could care less.
Let Chris show me the latest hilarious YouTube video
Spend WAY TOO MUCH time on myspace.
Get away from my (pathetic) mother
Sit and obsess over my ex.
Get really drunk... my favorite escape.
Then go to court... YAY

My life is pathetic. I have now realized that. Thank you livejournal... you helped me realize that.

♥ Love Me Not.♥

Update [17 Apr 2008|08:54pm]
So this is my yearly update

So many things have gone on this year that I dont even know where to begin. So I wont begin I will just tell you that yes... i am still alive. And pheebs I miss you dearly and you totally need to call me. As in like right now. NOW I SAID! But yeah


peace bitches
♥ Love Me Not.♥

[27 Dec 2007|04:19pm]
I miss you guys.... just stopping by to say im still alive
♥ Love Me Not.♥

[02 Aug 2006|11:30pm]
Im very much finished with this phase of my life, this phase being: the hard part full of growing and confusion

This week has been murderous, and i would like for it to be over because i am done with not being happy, and not being satisfied, and being annoyed with everyone.

Ive picked up some old bad habits just cause it fucking makes me feel better. Fuck it. Were all just gonna die anyway.

I need a fucking friend.

Just a phase right?

Just nod you head.

-end-
♥ Love Me Not.♥

[12 Jul 2006|12:38pm]
Last night i finally finished all of my FAFSA (financial aid) crap for school, it took like 2 hours dealing with my drunk mother, and practically doing her taxes all over again. But its fucking done, and now i just have to wait like 3 weeks.

The online registration thing says i can register today, which is odd cause i was supposed to do it tomorrow, then when i tried it says im missing paper work that i already submitted to them back in may. so my theory is that they just havent put it in their online data shit thing. So im just going to pray it will all be peachy by tomorrow morning.

Last night me and my father were bitching about how my mother is always at the bar and i was like "I need to learn how to drive before school starts." He said he will go out with me thursday and i think im going to tell aldo that we can see pirates later that way we can go again friday. *shrug* I have to get this shit done.

Well im gonna go get ready for work.
♥ Love Me Not.♥

Daily update [10 Jul 2006|03:03pm]
I FINALLY GOT AHOLD OF THE COUNSELORS AT CRAFTON!!!!! And they said that a few people have called, and she got all my info and said she would call back.... which she did and totally told me that everything will be sorted out by the 13th so i can register like i had planned. Planned my class times i want, found out the cost of all this shit, and how i am going to work it out so i can afford it. Started all the financial aid stuffy stuff.

Tonights plan= bowling!!!!! The whole gang is going to the bowling alley! Which is sweet, except i suck very badly at bowling and i dont like Andrews girlfriend. haha, other than that though, Im excited! Whooooo! Bowling! but yeah, im gonna go get ready now, cause, i havent anything else to say.

{ ♥ }
♥ Love Me Not.♥

Weekend [09 Jul 2006|10:43pm]
So friday, was full of Saw and Saw II and mac n cheese.

Saturday, work, swimming in my clothes and drinking way to much bud light. Went to aldos house and played.

Suday woke up naked (its a phenomenon, i get naked when i drink to much.) and with a horrible headache. Ate some chorizo y huebos watched ITALY KICK ASS in the world cup. Went home at pizza, left for work, got off early and then went to Andrews house for a bbq celebracion por le cruise. Cause we finally paid for it and everything and it is all officail, and it gave us an excuse to drink. had a few Beam and Cokes aldo took me home, and here i am on a computer telling you about it.

Isnt life grand?
♥ Love Me Not.♥

Fridays are lame [07 Jul 2006|12:56pm]
[ mood | Clean ]

Mainly cause i have no one to hang out with during the day. Today I went swimming though, which was neat... i guess. Then ive been trying to spend the rest of the day getting ahold of Crafton cause they fucked up on my registration date. Which will fuck me over to the max. But noooooooo their lines are all busy. So finally i just left a message and I shall hope and pray that they will fix this shit... bastards.

The plan for tonight: unknown.

We will probably end up watching movies and his house, maybe play some pikmen. who knows.

And there is your update my lovelys!

1 ♥ Love Me ♥ Love Me Not.♥

That is OH SO intresting [28 Feb 2006|06:15pm]
[ mood | Fucked. Possibly in the ass. ]

So basically this day was just anoyingly lame. Although the weather was nice and cloudy and it rained this morning which was a little bit of a pleasant change.

This day dragged and it seemed as the hours passed I just became more depressingly pessimistic. Then when Manda dropped me off at home we sat in her car for 2 hours discussing the finer and lower points of sex and boyfriends and everyhting in the whole situation. I told her all of my doubts and feeling and with my pessimisticness and her optimism we got absolutely no where. And I am no more at peace with myself than I was before. But it was very nice to have someone to talk to and it seems as though at least once a month we have one of those weird spill-all conversations. Its nice, in some way.

Ever since I quit smoking I have gained a lot of weight and all I do anymore is eat. It sucks and makes me want to start again but, I dont want to end up totally fucked in the ass when Im older. But I dont plan on living long enough to feel the consequences.

Have you noticed everyday I write the exact same thing I did yesterday... my life is that repetitive.

I found out that my "raver birthday" which is the anniversary on your first rave [ie; my first rave was Return to Candyland-last april and Candyland 3 is on april first] is comming up soon. So I have to go, even though I promised that I would only go to massives and I am living on an extremely tight budget. So that was basically the highlight of my day. All I want right now is to sleep. Im so lazy and fat and pathetic.

Today I quoted ESotSM.

I'm just a fucked up girl looking for a peace of mind

It fit with my mood.

3 ♥ Love Me ♥ Love Me Not.♥

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